I Remember
by soulwriter5
Summary: She remembers far too much. Past AO, implied CO. R&R Please!


Disclaimer: I don't own. I tried. It didn't work. Damn. There's always tomorrow.

A/N: This is A/O with implied C/O. Dramatized to the 10 degree. Don't worry. It'll work out. It's from Alex's point of view. There will be a second chapter. And a third. You get the Idea. The next one will be from Elliott's POV and the third, from Olivia's. Till then! Read and Review makes for a very happy author. Gracias!

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I remember. I remember a lot. More than I'd like too. Enough to break me every time I do.

I remember when I started, how cold and distant you were, if only to back your partner. If he and I hadn't butted heads from the start, would things have been different between us?

I remember when we did finally become friends. You had stopped by my office after the Daryl Guan case. I remember every emotion that passed through your face in just that visit. First you were worn; you looked like you hadn't slept in days and it made you appear old far beyond your years. Then you were fearful, I remember the exact moment you looked at me with fear in your eyes and I remember wondering what in the world could scare the fearless Olivia Benson, until you asked me the question. You asked me whether or not I actually believed what I had said in court or if I had just said it to win the case. I would've been insulted if I hadn't, at that exact moment, realized what you were scared of –my answer. I told you the absolute truth, and made sure you could see it in my eyes the way I could see the fear in yours. I told you that, yes, I did believe what I had said in court, else I would not have said it. There are many other ways to close a case, however I, especially, believe that we are a product of our decisions, not our parent's decisions and certainly not their genes. We are not our parents and it's solely based upon the fact that we can decide what we want to do, where, and for how long. I don't think you noticed that I did see you twitch a little when I said we weren't our parents. I wanted to ask you about it, but before I had a chance you shot up out of your chair and started pacing, I could tell you were becoming uncomfortable, so I decided not to push. I decided to let you guide what happened from there. You must've picked up on it because it wasn't but a couple of minutes before you looked up and asked if I wanted to grab a bite to eat.

Oh god did I want too. You'd have to be blind, deaf, and stupid to not want to 'grab a bite to eat' with Olivia Benson. Yes, I had, at that point, long since recognized that I had feelings for you. Can you blame me? Are you surprised?

But no, I had at least six cases that I at least needed to outline before I turned in and I knew I would be burning the midnight oil as it were. You must've seen it in my eyes when I said no because you offered dinner instead on the coming Friday. I remember feeling my smile finally reaching my ears for the first time in as long as I could remember as I readily accepted and seeing it reflected on your face with that lop-sided grin I loved so much. We said our good-byes shortly after and you departed, leaving me with an empty feeling like no other.

I remember it being only a short hour later when the door of my office was kicked open and, of course, my first reaction was fear…I mean, come on now, I lived in New York City, I was alone in my office at night and my door suddenly swings open? Wouldn't you've been scared? No matter, the fear was quickly replaced when my heart swelled at the sweetest sight I'd ever seen. You, Olivia Benson, coming in, carrying two wine glasses, a bottle of wine, and in your mouth, you had, clutched between your teeth, what I later found to be our dinner in a white paper bag. You came in, set everything down and said, "I couldn't wait 'til Friday, I hope you don't mind." That is an image I'll never forget.

We talked late into the night about anything and everything and it was, on that night, on the floor of my office with Chinese cuisine and wine between us, that you revealed to me the secret of your conception.

After that, your nightly visits soon became a regular part of my routine and soon there wasn't a lot we didn't know about each other.

I remember when we first kissed. Well, technically, when you kissed me. I remember everything single _exact _detail. How could I forget? You never forget kisses like that. It was incredible. There where no fireworks, but there never are. No, what made this kiss incredible was that, again, it was just you and me and the dinner we had just consumed. It was you leaning in and looking me directly in the eye, showing me all the love and devotion you were ready to give to me. It was the feeling that ran through me when our lips hovered near one and other's, like magnets, and when they did meet, it was like _wow_, coming home. Like we were destined for it. Like this kiss was so perfect, some cosmic force out there must've been grinning.

_Kismet. _That's what you'd called it. Fate. And it was, we were together for two years after that, they were the best two years of my life. We were so, _in love. _We fought at work, sure, that was a given, but at home, the problems stayed at the door…most of the time. We never fought at home. Never. But that's not to say we didn't have problems, but every couple does, and like every couple, we dealt with them accordingly. I remember, at night, while we would snuggle in bed after having 'dealt' with a problem, I remember you whispering to me that no matter what happened, you'd always love me, that you'd never hurt me.

Looking back at that now, I laugh, a bitter, cold laugh. The only one I've been able to laugh since I left WPP over 3 years ago, and since I came back, last week.

_You could be my silver springs,  
Blue green colors flashing'.  
I would be your only dream,  
Your shining autumn, ocean crashing.  
And did you say she was pretty?  
And did you say that she loves you?  
Baby, I don't wanna know.  
_

I remember on the street, that night, you called me sweetheart. That was the first time you'd said it in public. I remember thinking in my head the irony of the moment, here I was, lying on the sidewalk bleeding out from just having been shot and all I could think about was how I was about to die and you still couldn't –wouldn't- say it. That's what we had argued about the other night, and I remember wondering if 'the fight' had even crossed your mind since. Do you remember? We argued because even after being together for 2 years and practically living together for one… you insisted that I hold on to my apartment, in case we ever needed it, but I always knew that was bullshit. I'm not stupid and I knew you were lying through your teeth and you knew it and what's worse, I knew you knew I knew it, but you did it anyways. And after 2 years, I was tired of it. I called you on it and demanded to know if I really did mean as much to you as you told me I did, strictly behind closed doors of course. You reacted angrily, as I knew you would. You told me that _of course _I meant to you what you said I did, if I didn't, you asked, why would even be there. I responded quietly and with as much ice in my voice in my voice as I could muster to cover the tears, I would let you see me cry, not this time. I told you that I'd been asking myself the same question for quiet sometime. Suddenly, the fire in your eyes was doused as the tears welled up, you begged me to take it back, that it couldn't be true. That I meant the world to you. I asked you how you could possibly say that when for the last year and a half, every time I told you I loved you, I was met with silence. You always told me you couldn't, but I always wondered. I told you that either you told me right then and meant it or I was walking out. I didn't like giving you an ultimatum, but I was just so tired. So tired of being in, what seemed like, a one-sided relationship.

You didn't answer. I left.

You had to have known that was why I turned you down when you asked me to stay with you the night Agent Donovan was killed. I remember sitting there in the ambulance, thinking about how this was all my fault. My mind was on overdrive, my nerves were shot, but as you approached the bus, you, you who had once been my guardian angel, my protector, my equal, my partner, my _love…_I knew I couldn't be with you then, I couldn't handle my heart being ripped out again.

_  
I begin not to love you,  
Turn around, see me running'.  
I said I loved you years ago.  
Tell myself you never loved me, no.  
And did you say she was pretty?  
And did you say that she loves you?  
Baby, I don't wanna know.  
Oh, no…  
And can you tell me was it worth it?  
Really, I don't wanna know.  
_

And then I was gone. Stripped naked, if you will. Everything was gone, my name, my job, my family, my life, you. I knew you were gone anyways, I don't think I would've let you back into my heart anytime soon had I stayed, but just not being able to _know _tore at me the whole time I was in the program.

_Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me.  
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me._

But then, one day, my prayers had been answered, Velez was finally dead. I know, I know, that's pretty cold, but Jesus Christ, I was just so damn happy to be coming home. To be coming back to you. You that had been haunting my thoughts, my dreams since the moment I left.

You can't even imagine what it was like. You can't imagine the happiness that had filled my heart, made it swelled with excitement as I walked once again through the old, weather-beaten but prideful doors of the SVU squad room. I remember Elliott looking up the minute he caught sight of my legs, I laughed internally, that man could never get passed staring at my legs. I remember him jumping up with an enthusiastic "CABOT!!" and pulling me into his strong, fatherly arms and spinning me around. I remember thinking how different things were from when we had first met. I remember all the guys enclosing on me in a playfully menacing way and group hugging me. I remember the tears that pricked my eyes at having felt so much love, never had I felt it before, except maybe with you, but you didn't have the big brother love that I was feeling (thank god too, can you imagine how weird our relationship would've been?).

Then, it happened, I know you must've told Elliott about us after my 'death', especially because of the look he gave me when I asked where you were. He didn't answer, but instead looked at his shoes. He was hiding something. I knew it. Good thing John didn't care. He pointed directly to interview room #1 where, as if but some cosmic mockery of my happiness, you suddenly came out of, or should I say, you and the ADA. You were holding the door open for her and as she walked past you, your eyes were locked with hers. How you ever became a detective is beyond me, you must not have noticed us because when you both were fully out of the room, you walked her to the door and opened that too, all while holding her hand. I knew what was going to happen before it did and I felt the tightening in my chest. I remember the tightness contracting and getting heavier as I saw you lean in and I felt it finally explode when you planted a tender kiss right on her lips.

You had kissed her.

Not only had you kissed her. You kissed her in the squad room. For everyone to see.

You never did that with us. You wouldn't hold my hand in the hallway in front of my apartment for fear that someone might see us.

And yeah, I remember knowing right then, that you, Olivia Benson, had just ripped my heart out and shattered it like glass _again._

_  
Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me.  
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me.  
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you._

_You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you.  
_

She winked at you and you closed the door behind her. _Then _you turned around. _Then _you noticed the guys. _Then _you noticed me. It was like you had suddenly come back down to earth and 'BAM' there we were. Your jaw went slack.

"Alex…" You choked out in a harsh whisper.

I felt my hurt turn into anger and hit a boiling point. Nice to see you had no problem moving on. Nice to know how easy it must've been for you to lie to me and tell me I meant everything to you. Nice to know I was right in assuming I was the only one who cared about our relationship.

I looked at you with pure hatred that I know you saw because you cringed away like I slapped you. I turned to Elliott, I felt betrayed by him too, but I couldn't be angry at him, he hadn't been trying to hurt me, he was trying to protect both of us but I knew you, his partner, would always come first. I told him to give me a call or drop by sometime, that I'd like to catch up. I looked at John and Fin and told them the same.

"Same number, same address. Don't make me have to come crawling back here out of loneliness, boys. I will." I chuckled tightly, brokenly, as though I hadn't just had my heart ripped out of my chest for the 3rd time. I was proud of myself for being able to hide it so well.

I said my goodbyes quickly and made my way to the door, where you were unfortunately still standing. I brushed past you quickly, but you grabbed my arm.

"Alex…" You choked out again, with such a raw emotion, I almost gave in. But I didn't.

"Save it. Let go." I said with the same icy tone I used to use on the rapists. It worked. You recoiled quickly and I left even faster. I had to get out of there.

_Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me.  
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me.  
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you. _

_You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you._

Yes, I remember. I remember far too much. Enough to break me every time I think about it. About you.

_Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me.  
I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me.  
I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you. _

_You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you.__  
_

_You could be my silver springs…  
My blue green colors flashing._

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P.S. BuenoGood.


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